Messenger binged. I took a quick look to see a stranger’s
face. Curious, I opened it and learned it was from a former student. The year
was 1971. She texted that I was a “great teacher,” and she just wanted to say
“hi.”
 |
| Beginning teachers.... |
I wanted to text her back and explain that I was not a great
teacher. I learned much of the material the night before the next day of
school and wrote it out on index cards because I was not knowledgeable or glib
enough to wing it. On many days I was terrified the class would eat me up and
spit me out for their simple entertainment. Instead, I messaged her back with “Time
does fly, and so much happens between the then and now. Hope life has been good
for you.” And, it started me thinking of my own then and now and what I left
behind and am still leaving behind.
After forty eight years of marriage, raising four children,
twenty seven years of teaching—some on the wrong side of the tracks and some in
special education, running a day-care out of my home, fearing we would not have
food on the table at the end of the month, worrying about a child in another
state having an allergic reaction in a motel room and all alone, etc…. you get
the point. I don’t want to go back; I don’t want any do-overs. The first time
was difficult and while difficult, also worthy in shaping me into an adult who
is less naïve and yet more compassionate and understanding. An adult, who is
less thin-skinned and one who has developed a sometimes wide-ranging sense of humor.
After retirement, I became a writer (thanks to my writing group I can
say this and not feel inadequate or funny or weird). When the books came out,
one by one, I would grow anxious, wondering if I was misusing scripture,
offending anyone, or making typos, or writing like someone who had no business
writing. I would check the ratings, check the reviews, and get tied up in
things I could do nothing about—that is if I really wanted to write what I was
called to write about. Well, let’s say,
I’ve grown. I’ve left some things behind, again: things that needed to be taken
off my shoulders; things that needed to be erased from inside my head.
I choose to write words and send them out into the world and hope they find a home somewhere. For some, my words come across as
negative, intense, not worthy of their time. That, is okay. I like suspense and
mystery in a story. I also love scripture. So, I use all three. Some readers
prefer to read about quilt-making, romance, or history. That is okay, too. What
others think of me or what I write about is their business.
Getting older isn’t half bad. You determine that a person
only has so much time left, why not be you? I want to be sillier, I want to
laugh more, I want to dance when the mood is right. I have left behind some
of what I used to consider proper. I am free-er, I am stronger, I am more at
peace.
Erich From wrote, The whole of life of
the individual is nothing but the process of giving birth to himself; indeed we
should be fully born when we die..... hopefully, with what I’ve left
behind, I'm on my way to being "fully born."
